Farewell, Joe Niekro

November 2nd, 2006

Forget that brown smear on Kenny Rogers’ hand during this year’s postseason. Joe Niekro was the subject of the best ball-doctoring story. On Aug. 2, 1987, with the pennant race heating up, Niekro was caught with a nail file in his pocket. “In his pocket” is a stretch actually. When the umpire asked him what was in his pocket, Niekro tossed the file aside like a street pusher. He was 42. He’d been traded only a month before. He was on his last team in the majors. OK, so he scuffed a ball. I was in sixth grade and the film of the incident was maybe the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

The knuckleballer died of a brain aneurysm Friday at the age of 61.

Joe Niekro’s Top 10 Excuses – August 6, 1987
(From Late Night With David Letterman)

10. The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9. I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8. I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the bullpen telephone.
7. Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6. I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.
5. I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine’s autobiography.
4. Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3. I’ve been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2. It was all William Casey’s idea.
1. I like to give pedicures to ballboys.